Our Rainbow in The Night

2011-10-29T13:53:00.002+08:00

Every story that has an ending has a reason.

This story, the reason, fucking not worth it.

-Ems.

2011-09-13T13:48:00.001+08:00

Every story that begins, has an ending.

Back, again.

2009-11-03T23:53:00.005+08:00

The last time i wrote an entry here, was more than a year ago.

I deleted all the entries written during 'that period of time' from this blog and other blogs. I don't like to keep unhappy memories, although deleting the entries doesn't mean it's deleted from my brain. I wish i could, yet, without it, i would not have been the 'me' now. Our relationship would not have improved, and we would probably still be taking roller-coaster rides.

I've learnt to live with imperfections, rather than chasing after a perfect relationship. Because by accepting what may be imperfect, i actually do see a perfect picture of us. What can be more comforting than to know your partner accepts your flaws, and is willing to work with you through it?

I am working towards being a better girlfriend, being more understanding and appreciative. I can't say for sure i'm a worthy girlfriend, but i am trying my best.

Anyway, it's been a really long time since i said anything mushy. I don't know when he'll read this post either because we both created new blogs.

But still, i wanna tell him, that i really love him. And it's absolutely wonderful spending time with him. With him by my side, it seems like i have nothing to be afraid of. Because he is in my life, my world has twice as many smiles.

You are still, my angel.

with love,
wei

2008-09-02T19:56:00.003+08:00

to briefly intro the peeps i met at my og (from back to front);

Myself, Crystal, Pamela, Zi Wei, Delip

Matilda, Fiona, Sheron and Shu Ning

Yvonne, Jeannie and Caroline

Rain Drops
As you hear them fall,
Moister in the air, a sprinkle and all
Their sound a symphony,
For you, for me

Pearls of light glistering on the pavement,
Their invisible fingers drumming on my window vehement
Tear drops an emotional call
They signify love, sadness, happiness and all

Emotions are something that we all have
With our soul the Lord to us gave,
A piece of mind to help us shine and glow
Healing our soul if enough of it we show

Through the good times, bad times
In between times

-By Roger and Birgit Pratcher

So, I stood in the rain for a brief moment while on the way back.

The clouds were grey, my world has been very grey for awhile now.

But there have been people around me who tried to help, although sometimes the more they try to help the more it affects me.

It is not something I feel the whole world needs to know, but when 1 door closes, another opens.

As much as I find it tough to open up my heart again, I know I have not been alone in this and I appreciate anyone who has tried to pour some joy and smiles, colour into my world.

Raindrops, kept falling on my head. With every drop, I felt a little bit more comfort.

justin a.k.a emo'kia

random thought;

while watching first class on channel 5, the pickup line "You must be tired from all that running through my mind" just got a chuckle out of me.

2008-08-31T12:50:00.002+08:00

Taking a step / A little time / It's alright.
Even thru' this rain, I want to smile again.

2008-08-30T00:29:00.002+08:00

Realize - Colbie Caillat

Take time to realize,
That your worth is
Crashing down on in.

Take time to realize,
That I am on your si-i-i-de
Didn't I, didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No, it's never gonna be that simple
But I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize what I've just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another

Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now.

[Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your si-i-i-de
Didn't I, didn't I tell you.

Take time to realize
That this all can pass by
Didn't I didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
But I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'd never find another

Just realized what I've just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other but.

[It's not that the same
No it's never the sa-a-ame
If you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you 'd meet me half way.
It could be the same for you

Missed out on each other now
Missed out on each other now

Realize, realize, Realize, realize

Dedicated to all lovers out there - Never wait till things are too late.

我真希望这只是一场梦。

`xiaowei

2008-08-28T05:53:00.006+08:00

There isn't a reason behind falling in love, really.

we fell so in love with each other,

the circumstances were pretty much incredible,

like the work of Cupid's arrow.

Fast forward 5 years now, the cracks are showing; we have our differences.

The crux of any successful relationship be it professional or romantic or kinship is how the relationship is sustained at all. How did we even make it this far? The nagging unwillingness to forgo such a memorable, unique and very real relationship despite the clear differences we share?

Do we work on the incompatbility or shorten the work if there is no point if things do not work out? How then do we judge the worth of the relationship? Is it perfect only when there are guarantees? Or would the lack of a guarantee keep us on our toes to keep ourselves up with each other, adapting when necessary, taking steps forward or backward when needed. Would that then mean then we are changing for some one? Would we no longer be ourselves then? Or if changing meant you would lose yourself, would it be better if there was no relationship there that needed the change which took you away?

She didn't mind my appearance, my heart was her main concern all the time. She was disappointed when I dropped out of my studies, but she supported me constantly throughout the years of getting back. Whilst in the army, despite time constraints and the want for attention, we beared with the difficulties together and now I'm done with national service and she is still there with me.

We enjoy cooking and having good meals together. We love the outdoor scenery, especially by the sea. Travelling and adventure is a common past time, we like to travel the countries and explore and appreciate certain cultures and broaden our horizons. Quiet moments at home, watching the television, DVDs and some online games from time to time. We love the arcade.

What everyone usually sees is this perfect relationship of 5 years, 5 months and 18 days. I thought we were made for each other, the love we have for one another is perfect really. I couldn't use another word to describe.

However, what differences do we have? Are they as bad that a perfect love is not even enough to sustain te relationship? Just perhaps, I am more aware of the kind of differences between us for me not to display the complete faith in the relationship which has affected her own confidence in herself and brought about insecurity. Which has affected and influenced the relationship in its own way ultimately. So, what goes around comes around?

Is she too naive to believe that with a perfect love, any flaw or fault could be redeemed and corrected as long as due effort is put in? My ideas do not seem so naive, but then if redeeming or correcting any flaw means to change or adapt which leads to change that seems to make you feel as if you are no longer you, wouldn't it be similar to the above? Then, what is the point?

If I had a reason; we fell in love with each other because we found and were in the right time and place for one another.

But, is that really sufficient for us to grow old with one another?

There are people who read these entries, some who are my kin. Out of concern when they read depressing entries they ask me if we are fine. I always tell them we are doing fine ourselves, because things really do work out ... until the next occurence.

The weather sums it all up; cloudy skies throughout the day, heavy showers in the dawn and dusk.

I have had this ring on my finger for more than 4 years now, I got it for the both of us during our second valentines together. Once, I tried taking it off for a day. I took it off for a couple of minutes and put it back on because I felt incomplete. It might have been habitual, but I felt emotionally incomplete without it.

I don't know what we'll do if one day we had to take it off, once and for all. I dread the day.

Where has my heart gone? I want to keep going, but the further we go ... the more things seem to be falling apart. She said I used to assure her each time that our love would be sufficient to pull us through any obstacle, why am I no longer having that kind of faith then?

I found her because I wanted to find her own lost faith. Now it seems, I have lost mine ... how could I even find hers then?

Is it a conspiracy of the gods? For in the last three to four days, my heart has gone hot and cold upteen times, i've been on the roller-coaster ride a million times and it is taking away every bit of my heart.

I always believe, there are no happiness that is forever. You can feel
happy for some time, but u just know that, the happiness will be over sooner or
later. There will be something that just will destroy everything. And yes, one
can make the choice. You can choose to be happy or remain upset. You can choose
to be optimistic or pessimistic. Unfortunately, so far i haven't and still
cannot stay on the optimistic side. My world is dark, needing light to shine the
way. It isn't the other way round - in a bright world with occassional
darkness.

I guess she was right to say and fear that when things just seem so good, too good actually, we are just waiting for the moment for everything to fall apart. Even now, I can't find it in my heart to convince myself to be optimistic and positive despite how I try to remain so every single time. I guess I have lost faith.

Perhaps, I am not the light she needs.

justin

2008-08-26T00:05:00.002+08:00

Ever wish that your dad is not in the family? I did.
Ever wish that your parents will divorce? I did.

Sometimes i think we are better off without him, the person who only knows how to come home slamming doors and fucking blame others for everything.

Keeping the family intact is good? Sorry and sad to say, it's not always true. Stop being so naive.
"He's still your dad". I know, that's a fact i cannot change, but that doesn't mean i have to tolerate his behaviour. I won't be cruel towards him, or else i'll be like him.

Hatred.

`xiaowei

2008-08-24T22:28:00.002+08:00

we could've been snuggling together in bed,

watching the little television programmes on show.

but things changed and the sky turned grey,

the rain came and refused to go.

how far will this go?

`j

2008-08-24T22:07:00.001+08:00

And when i seriously think, this relationship would have just ended today...

`xiaowei

2008-08-23T10:44:00.002+08:00

I just feel like crying now.

sigh.

justin

Life Is A Roller Coaster, Just Got To Ride It

2008-08-23T10:02:00.002+08:00

Look back on your life, and there are bound to be times you felt so down that you felt there's no way you could have carried on. But you made it anyway.

There might also be times you were so happy, with seemingly everything going your way, that you took things for granted. You forgot about the bad times, and forgot to appreciate the good times.

The point here is, life is basically full of ups and downs for everyone. It is a roller coaster which all of us will have to ride. If life is constantly good, then chances are, we will just take it for granted. Maybe you feel that life is constantly bad, but that cannot be true - you just got to look out for and take note of the good things in life.

So, remember, when things are going well, appreciate it, enjoy it. But be conscious of the fact that things might go worsen any time. Don't let it become fear, because that will hamper your living of the present - just be mindful of the fact that life is unpredictable.

And when you're feeling down, do not allow yourself to get bogged down by it. Remember that you just got to survive that period - you've probably done it before. Know that things will get better someday, maybe soon, and realise that this is going to make you a stronger person. Once you have tasted the bitter, the sweet tastes so much better when it comes around.

Perhaps, mentally I am just not strong enough. The euphoria and enthusiasm of yesterday melted away into solemn and bleakness in just a couple of minutes.

There are times things just seem too much to take, i'm sure it happens to others too, others that I care for. But the survival instinct would be to selfish and put oneself before anyone else.

So what if one feels hurt? When people care for each other, everyone who has invested a certain amount of emotions in another get hurt too. Maybe life's like a stock market too ... invest in the right people and your value and their value increases consistently, every one makes wins and losses and the more you invest the more you win or lose.

Either way, its a huge roller coaster ride and i'm feeling nauseous.

Justin

2008-08-21T23:33:00.003+08:00

22nd August '08,

Today beckons as the first step to returning to school ... it has been that long.

Orientation begins with registration at 8:30 at SIM, briefings and more briefings till 12. Probably some activities to break the ice later on till 7:00 pm.

Somewhat apprehensive about the return to school, the desire to be steadfast and focused in my planned direction is still there but it is during times like that i feel the nerves and allow doubts to creep into my mind.

I rarely speak about these doubts, probably never will but they happen, so just know that they happen from time to time.

Anyway, the picture above was taken when Xiaowei, Myself, Wan Ling, Rebecca and Yian Sin went out together to Sentosa on Wan Ling's 21st :) It was a really enjoyable day.

Having editted the picture, it left me with a sense of satisfaction at having done some thing for them four to remember. I feel so much for them four, all in the picture. Pretty much encompasses what their friendship has been about and why it has lasted the trials and tribulations.

I? Maybe I'll stop wishing one day for friends like that, stop looking at others and wishing I had the same blessings ... then perhaps I will be happier.

Sometimes all I want is a few words of encouragement from my friends, an ocassional message just to ask how I've been doing instead of me always being the one having to take the initiative to sms just so i get a reply. Then maybe, I won't feel forgotten by most friends. So what for the wonderful poly memories? or the fun gaming period with the gang? or even the army phase when it seems once I leave the base i'm no longer one of them. That's why if anyon ever wondered why I feel forgotten from time to time anyway...

On a side note, I've been considering joining Dragon Boating as a CCA in school ... the committment is huge, so certain factors have been weighing heavily on my mind, as it is with some doubts if I could fit in at all. Sigh.

In search of a successful academic period, for a new set of friends and a healthier lifestyle and fitter body.

I shall open the door to my new beginning, starting from the moment my eyes open after a good few hours of sleep :)

love,

Justin

2008-08-14T23:37:00.002+08:00

Haven't been logging in to this blog that i almost couldn't remember the exact password.

I always believe, there are no happiness that is forever. You can feel happy for some time, but u just know that, the happiness will be over sooner or later. There will be something that just will destroy everything. And yes, one can make the choice. You can choose to be happy or remain upset. You can choose to be optimistic or pessimistic. Unfortunately, so far i haven't and still cannot stay on the optimistic side. My world is dark, needing light to shine the way. It isn't the other way round - in a bright world with occassional darkness.

You can call me stubborn. I alighted and u did not. U were right to say i will never make the decision to go to Eunos to find you, instead i will just leave. And why u will ask. Why i can't just go over and find you back rather than waiting for you to come. Maybe u can help me find the answer cos i myself don't know.

Will i ever change? Can a person really change his or her character? We always say one can change and improve for the better. Is there really no possibility of one being unable to change the way he or she is? Maybe you will think that i'm just finding excuses, but seriously i have only that much faith in myself to change. I said i will try. So far, i still am saying things to spite you.

I think for you so i don't request for you to send me home at night. It's funny, how we can say things like "it's been a long time since u last sent me home". This is because from not sending cos it's late at night became no need to send anymore. Correct me if i'm wrong. U always say i have the priviledge to ask and to have you send me back. That was in the past. Like u said, things have changed. It's different. I won't say i changed because i was forced to cos i changed willingly. Probably i ask for too much. And no, i ain't complaining. Perhaps i am used to going home alone or perhaps i've learnt.

Look at the world. Things like "we've been together for 5 yrs plus" probably don't apply anymore. Couples can still break up after 10 yrs, 20 yrs, 30 yrs. The longer a couple have been together, the more conflicts there will be. My friend, a relationship of 3 yrs, when they broke up, the guy said to her, "i stayed with you because i pity you". Seriously, looking around me, i really ain't hoping for any everlasting love. If it happens to me, then i'm thankful. If it doesn't, at least i once thought it will happen.

Our opinions differ, almost every single time. It seems like there is nothing we really have the same opinion about. Now my mind is just full of negative thoughts.

What is love?

`xiaowei

2008-07-21T19:21:00.003+08:00

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. We've just returned from at 3D2N trip to Turi Beach Resort, Batam.

I'm feeling at a little loss for words at how wonderful things went and how much stronger our bond feels, so I think i'll just let the 5 pictures above provide some imagination to whoever views them. Feel free to click on the thumbnails for a closer look rather than just see the minute versions of them!

justin

2008-07-06T22:58:00.002+08:00

Met up with Darling today at Bishan. As usual, we went to the arcade. Really enjoyed ourselves. Virtual Tennis, baby is improving, and me too! hee...Then there is this game with lots of buttons of different colours, really fun.
Baby smell my hair, told me i smell nice and he felt like taking me home. It just makes me feel so sweet inside =)
A simple night, and dear, i just want to let you know too, that i am super in love with u! The way you look at me. I can really feel it. I know i'm gonna miss u...
-hugs-
Xoxo,
Xiaowei

2008-06-15T11:58:00.005+08:00

Just a little picture trail of the Ubin Trip... :)

Justin

Ubin Trip

2008-06-15T01:14:00.002+08:00

Great day out with Dear, Rebecca, Wan ling, Yian Sin and boyfriend at Pulau
Ubin!

Tired but happy. Enjoyed my time with my best friends from Jc. And definitely enjoyed time with my boyfriend (except for the worrying part but i'll believe in u).

Boat ride. Cycled. Chek Jawa Boardwalk + Viewing tower + mangrove. Mini picnic. Dinner at seafood restaurant. Wang jiao at Tamp.

Perfect day out.

-smiles-

`xiaowei

2008-06-10T12:25:00.002+08:00

I don't know if i should feel happy or sad. Received a call from Citibank today, i'm starting work tml. No interview, just a simple resume sent. Wasn't exactly prepared, i thought there would be an interview. I didn't know about the working hrs nor the pay. Luckily, it's office hours, pay quite good too.

I've been enjoying the freedom i'm having now, so much so i'm unwilling to work. I love how i can head out as and when i like. Now, i'll be working every weekday till night.

Mon and wed: 830am to 530pm: Citibank, 630pm to 900pm: Clinic
Thurs: 830am to 530pm: Citibank, 700pm to 830pm: Marcus's tuition
Tues (soon): 830am to 530pm: Citibank, 730pm to 900pm: Ryan's tuition
Rest days: Fri night, sat and sun

Oh well, i would love to slack at home, but...i cant.

`xiaowei

2008-06-09T00:33:00.002+08:00

Got this from Kent Xiong's blog.

9 things about girls...

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women’s way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to #3

Pretty true i think. Been feeling kinda emotional recently. Out of control. Couldn't control my emotions, been feeling like crying for no reason. Frustrated and irritated by lil things. Hurt him, again. I'm sorry. Really didn't mean to. Just...i don't know. Sigh.

Anw had a good dinner with his family. Chatted a lil. Ate at Hk cafe Central, then coffee at Ya Kun. Justin's 2nd sis was telling us about how she eats soft-boiled eggs. Lol. And Justin talked to his dad about army. When we got on the bus, heading back to his place, his mum told us about the spa. Going to attend the talk about the spa this coming tues with his mum. When we reached home, as usual, stayed in the room. Listened to some music and just hugging each other. He asked me, what kind of life i want now. My reply: peaceful. And yes, i can't feel peaceful without money, but i feel i need it so that i'll be happier.

Going to rest soon i guess.

I miss and love you lots. I can't imagine life without you.

`xiaowei

2008-06-08T00:18:00.002+08:00

Just reached home.
I don't know why i am feeling down. Just don't feel happy.

Have been looking forward to today, a nice dinner (to think i was even expecting some nice dinner when i don't have the money) and movie, wearing my new skirt and new heels from C & K.

Went over to his place first to pass him the hamster cage. His grandma was there, and she went over without informing them. So, since we were getting dinner for his grandma, we just took our dinner at a coffeeshop first. Luckily his sister came back when we were about to go out. Was still feeling happy, with my new skirt and heels. But we head out too late, in the end, 8pm movie at Marina, we reached city hall at 7.55pm. Had to walk in such a fast pace, with heels that are at least 4cm high, and my feet hurting, and going left and right overtaking people, it just simply got me frustrated and fed up. I felt i looked ugly, yeah, i didn't feel i looked good with my skirt and heels at all.

Felt a lil better when i reached the cinema, sat down and watched Kungfu Panda. A funny show, but don't know why, just couldn't laugh at the end. But I know Justin was enjoying the movie, he was laughing happily. After the movie, head to Hk cafe. Had some dim sum and left at 11pm. Reached the station, same thing again. Send me back and u'll have to spend on cab. So, i would just rather u head home straight and not send me. If i have the money, i will request u send me back, while i pay for your cab fare. Maybe u do not know, i don't feel i have the privilege anymore.

It really doesn't feel good, to only have less than $10 in ur wallet. To need to use other people's money for meals, movies, even contact lens. Yes, those are not just anybody but my loved ones, still, it doesn't make me feel happy. Citibank job offer, not confirmed, but i will go for it if available. I need the money. I desperately need it. Without money = cannot do anything. Even basic transport fee, i can't afford. Why, many will ask.

Consider, $120 from Mr Derrick. Transferred $100 to Justin cos i owe him money. Left with $20. Few days later, gone. Then $120 from Marcus's tuition. $40 for Piggy's grooming, $20 for Piggy's food. Left with just $60. Eat, transport, gone. Then, $100 from clinic, to last me for how long? A month. Yes, $100 for the whole month, bcos my next pay comes only end of June. I don't earn a lot. Barely enough if i don't work a few days at the clinic, or tuition stops. I can't afford anything. So, can i still be that thick-skinned and use others' money when i have some job offer? I still owe Justin a few hundred dollars. Debts. And when i've stopped taking money from my mum ever since i graduated from Jc, i never knew how to extend my hand and ask for money anymore. Probably just $15 for my contact lens. And daily breakfast. Tt's all.

The only thing that makes me happy about today was just probably seeing him.

Can anyone really understand what i am going through?

Money is not everything, but without it, it's nothing.

`xiaowei

2008-06-02T23:01:00.001+08:00

Been a pretty long time since i felt this way.

I hate this feeling.

`xiaowei

2008-05-31T01:38:00.003+08:00

63% partner focus, 38% aggressiveness, 40% adventurousness

Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that: You prefer your romance and love to be traditional rather than daring or out-of-the-ordinary, you would rather be pursued than do the pursuing and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own.

This places you in the Lover Style of: The Devoted Lover.

The Devoted Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and is perhaps the best Lover Style when it comes to developing a long-term, caring and rewarding relationship. The Devoted Lover is a treasure to find, though it is sometimes difficult to time establishing a relationship with one just right; usually, this is the last romantic relationship you'll need to find, so sow any wild oats first.

In terms of physical love, the Devoted Lover can be shy at first but gradually warms and eventually can be a thrilling partner who knows every need of his/her partner. Given a strong and loving relationship, and the right lover, the Devoted Lover can be a delight in bed.

Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Suave Lover (most of all) or the Classic Lover, or the Carnal Lover.

Lover-Style Profile Test

lol. Got this test from Rosa's blog... did it out of curiosity but anyway, that's all folks!

It's been a great night, ORD loh!

justin

2008-05-30T01:00:00.003+08:00

For a child, all that stands between the earth and the sky is the power of imagination.

Dreams, lofty dreams...

justin

2008-05-29T23:42:00.002+08:00

Jolyn told us to get married at age 26, which will be the 10th year anniversary.

In my heart, i truly wish that will happen.

But well, it isn't wrong to say we need to consider the more practical stuff, like money.

Probably at this moment, i just want the feel of love, rather than being rational about it.

It isn't wrong to dream, neither is it wrong to think in a more practical way.

I just thought, we share this dream together. i just thought, u would agree to what i said. Maybe, tonight just isn't the night for just love.

`xiaowei

2008-05-29T00:29:00.002+08:00

Apart from the song "xiaowei" which he used to tease me rather than sing lovingly to me, and the lullaby he sang to me over the phone when i could not sleep, he actually sang "Love of a Lifetime" to me today. He looked right into my eyes and sang, made me felt so loved and happy *smile smile*

You touched my heart, so deeply inside.
It's amazing, that the love we share, is so true.
You are the one for me, there is no doubt about that.

`xiaowei

2008-05-26T06:54:00.002+08:00

The moment I opened my eyes and woke up it all just felt like a dream, the end of the sweetest dream I could've ever had. Then tears started swelling in my eyes, it felt so hard to give up this dream which couldn't have been more perfect.

The bbq celebration was great, I got to see a couple of my friends whom I'd always enjoyed hanging out with plus some old friends from secondary school. Although Xing had to come alone, he didn't mind and that was a really nice gesture.

On another day I would never allow myself to end up drinking so much because I don't want Xiaowei to end up worrying if I was fine. Plus, it is quite embarrassing to cause my friends to help me out because I was losing myself and getting myself wasted after puking up the drinks. I would've prefered mildly taking drinks, probably getting more time to speak to them and catching up and then having a good night's sleep with whoever stayed over.

She stayed at my place the past three days. We slept side by side and woke up in each other's arms every morning. Her eyes would be the first thing I'd see and I could stare into them forever, such pretty eyes. We didn't head out of the house much the last few days but doing mundane things at home; cleaning the hamster's cage, packing up my room, watching dvds and tv programmes, heading out at 2am for supper and taking night walks. They were simple pleasures of life to us, the time we could spent together would never be too much.

By the end of the week, I am finally going to finish the chapter of being an NSF. On the 23rd, I received my reply from SIM and have been offered a place to study the Bachelor of Arts in Psychology. Personally that was one of the best kinds of birthday gifts I could have because it took away a huge stone sitting heavily in my heart.

Finally, I want to thank my bestie Jolyn a.k.a Akai for being thoughtful and really sincere about making my 21st such a memorable day even though I don't remember most of it due to the drinks (hahaha). I put you and ming through much trouble and I feel really bad about it.

My sincere thanks for all friends who came down too, thanks for sparing the time and making me feel worth coming down for, especially Rebecca and Wan Ling who had to stay by the pit and keep the food coming.

And dear, when love can be expressed through the moment our eyes meet, I think this love can't get any more true and real than it already is at this stage. It is an amazing feeling knowing what I hold is so precious.

justin

2008-05-19T22:40:00.002+08:00

Met up with Darling at Tampines. No romantic candlelit dinner...no romantic movie...
Yet, there was this romantic feeling inside me. I felt happy, simply smiling right from the bottom of my heart. I don't feel that there are certain things that must be done to bring out the romantic feel...If 2 person love each other, just being in each other's arms will also be the most romantic thing...

I love my guy, and i know i always will.

[red red red...Lol]

`xiaowei

2008-05-19T14:35:00.003+08:00

"Being close enough to share a bath is one thing, but being so close that he sat on the loo reading Auto Trader while she was in the bath was quite another."

Reading a book i borrowed, or rather took, from Justin's place. Kinda interesting. A book on relationship and love. Being so comfortable, perhaps overly comfortable with the person you're with, tends to make a person take things for granted. There were certainly changes, if we were to compare 5 years ago, when we were still 16, reading teenage magazine and now, turning 21.

Years ago, the relationship were just "i love you" and "you love me". Years go by, you realised it was more than that.

"He used to leave post-it notes saying 'i love you' on the bathroom mirror. Now the only thing she finds are his dirty socks on the bathroom floor."

Certainly, don't expect your love life to be consisting of only romance if you're one who agrees on monogamy. Enjoy while you can, and adapt when it changes. Expect a lot at first, and be prepared to expect lesser later.

Went out with Justin and Jolyn last night. Went to this place Going OM. Nice place, quiet and cosy. There were laughters, as well as silence. At some point, i felt that Jolyn was feeling bored. Oops. Had desserts and then head home. Was at the station, told Jolyn that Justin would not be sending me home. Her first reaction was "what happened? Something wrong?". She's too used to seeing Justin send me home. I was once, too used to that as well, but like i said, when there are changes, adapt. I was the one who asked him not to send me home, bcos i knew he was tired. No point, he takes the train to Khatib with me and then takes the 40 mins bus ride home, just...troublesome i guess. We are going 21, no longer the 16 17. Be sensible and more practical. Don't always hope for the romantic feel. I'm not one who will just ask my partner to come fetch me, but i did, yesterday. Probably just feeling tired and needing someone to accompany me to Bugis.

It's 3.15pm. Feeling bored. Rebecca asked me on msn why i did not go out. My reply "stay at home and let my mum see me". It's important, to make your parents feel that you care about them and the family. Since i'll not be home for the whole week, i'll just stay home for these 2 days. Tick tick tick.

Tv? prepare Ryan's tuition? Games? Exercise?

`xiaowei

2008-05-18T01:27:00.003+08:00

I never thought it would happened to me, but in a moment it simply struck me that I had never been comfortable in my own skin. I allowed all the negative vibes to surround me that I tried to block everything and everyone out and I regret that.

Sometimes there are people who are truly there for you who are worth every dime in the world and all that time to be with but you never really realise it till the moment comes when you've lost it all? I don't want that to be my situation and I won't wait for that moment to come to know that I have people I should and must cherish.

After all, the old saying "sometimes the it isn't the world who turned their back on you, but you simply turned your back on them." rings a bell and how can I deny that it is true to a certain extent, pretty big if you're telling me.

I have friends but I am never truly happy with them because I never let myself be, happy. That will change.

justin

2008-05-16T15:33:00.002+08:00

Darling is sleeping now...He just had his wisdom tooth removed. Hopefully he gets to eat the food next thurs.

Justin is having a chalet, bbq on the night of 22nd of May (so, anyone who can come, please tell justin or just comment here). It's his 21st birthday on the 24th May actually.
Time to see, what friends are really for, and if things my dear ever done for his friends, were worth it or not. [sorry dear, just had to say it out. Don't blame me k?]

Jolyn asked, if Justin's friends will be coming. Seriously, i don't know. His friends did not confirm with him. But i need confirmation to order the food. I appreciate people like Ming who offered his help. thanks. And for people who truly wants to come, thanks as well. Hopefully anyone who comes will get to have fun. Just a gathering to chat and stuff.

But well, maybe just 1-3 hrs of their time were too much. Oh well. No offence, cos i know there are people who are really very busy. And my dear, always so understanding, tells me his friends are busy, they have work, they blah blah blah. Ok, i will be as understanding as u >.<

Jolyn ah Jolyn, 心寒。What u said, were so true.

`xiaowei

2008-05-13T02:46:00.006+08:00

You are not a robot, not my robot. I cannot implement a mindset just because I think it is better for you.

From time to time I always tell you during our conflicts that you make me feel like I can't make you happy, that I can't change you but I never realised these were detrimental because you took to heart that your changes were insignificant.

All these while i've been wondering how to turnaround your mindset that I was the good guy and you were bad, that I was trying to make this relationship work while you didn't. Fact is, we both were trying to make it work and wanted it to work. Instead of turning it around I made you feel more and more like things were caused majorly by you.

Dear world, please know that the truth is that she's been thinking of everything possible to make me feel happy, blessed and loved. And if she doesn't know, her love for me makes me feel like the world's luckiest person. Though we are different and from time to time disagree over matters, we have an amazing love.

Please bless us with your love and faith that we will be able to pull through conflicts that rise from our differences, instead allow us to be enlightened and embrace our differences to make us both stronger.

I will not lose faith. I know you will believe too :)

justin

2008-05-13T02:46:00.005+08:00

When love is not as easy as abc.

When negativity comsumes u, this relationship only looks like it's heading towards darkness.

I can jolly well be remembering the sweetness from last night, and sleep knowing how loved i felt.

Yet, everything on my mind now, is just...nothing.

`xiaowei

2008-05-12T23:01:00.003+08:00

When u were in army, in camp, we had to cherish all the time we could have with each other. Because of the little time we had, i always wish to be with u all the time. I did not felt it was too much then cos the fact was we don't even see each other much in the first place.
Now u are somehow free, don't have to head back to camp, i still try to be with u every single day, everytime i'm free.
Sigh. I feel like a plaster, super glue...clingy...
maybe i'm too free. Not that i do not go to work, but it's only at night.
Have to get a temporary job soon...
Find something to do...
Spend more time at home...
Get more money...

Gonna collect my passport tml...call mediacorp for availabilty of jobs...Confirm with Mr Derrick about Ryan's tuition...

2008-05-12T00:13:00.003+08:00

To my mum, Justin's mum and all the mothers out there:

Happy Mothers' Day!

Didn't go anywhere today with my mum cos she had to work at night...But i'm glad my mum saw her idol on tv...hehe...tml is her off day, wonder if we'll be going anywhere. I want to spend time with her...

Anyway, after my mum went to work, i went to meet Darling at tamp. Went to food court to have our dinner, fried fish ee mian for me, and Chicken curry rice for darling (i wanted to take ebi curry de, but anw, the ee mian and soup is really nice). Wanted to catch a movie, but the show was at 915pm, and we ate AGAIN to sort of kill time. Lol. Prata, yummy yummy. We gotta go swim more...haha...

Watched Made of Honor. A really funny, yet romantic and sweet movie. A perfect movie for the both of us. And i guess this movie came at the right time, sort of made me feel better about our relationship after watching. Looking at darling, it just makes me feel so much love in my heart. I really want to keep seeing you smile and feeling happy...

I love you, and i promise i will learn to love myself more...And to hold on to this relationship and never letting go...

Thank you for loving me...thank you for giving me such a wonderful love...

`xiAo_wEi

2008-05-10T01:01:00.002+08:00

Arguments, words to spite each other, words to hurt each other...

It hurts so bad, for you and for me. I went over, but i was just looking at the hamsters and u seem like u don't dare to come near me. Couldn't take it no more, tears rolled down my cheeks. The problem lies with me, not you. I felt like i was fighting a war inside me, 2 conflicting mindset. I didn't dare to go closer to you, didn't dare to hug you because i dont know if it was the correct thing to do. I only know i've hurt u so badly, i made ur heart bleed, i felt so...unworthy. One part of me is telling me to keep us together, another is telling me to stay away from u to prevent u from any more hurt.

But still, i lost to my own heart. I hugged you, and the next moment i only know we were hugging each other so tightly with tears in our eyes. I'm glad we managed to overcome all these. I know i don't love myself enough. I don't know if i'll ever learn, i don't wish to think too much either.

VIRGO - The Perfectionist
Dominant in relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh. Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic.

so real, isn't it? sigh. I just wish i ain't so terrible...

`xiAo_wEi

broke = nothing but work

2008-05-08T22:17:00.002+08:00

Broke. Totally broke. So broke i have no more wishes anymore. No more shopping cos it makes no sense to shop without the least ability to buy anything. Lots of movies coming out, i guess i better just not watch them. Eat at cheap places. Want to go pulau ubin, but i think i better think twice. Batam trip off. Basically almost nothing i can do. So, work, work till i die to get my money first. Mediacorp, give me some jobs.

i spoke to Rebecca about the "religion problem". Strange enough, we both have the same mindset. Perhaps that's why i can discuss so much with rebecca, without having to have an argument. Well, I may be wrong, but i just feel u just can't accept that i don't believe in what u believe.

`xiAo_wEi

2008-05-07T23:27:00.002+08:00

Someone told me today and it just hit me that that's just how I feel.

"I believe there is a god. But this god has no name and there is no religion behind it, he is just god."

It just feels enlightening that there is a god, but there is no need for it or religion in this matter to be diversified into specific names because I believe our faith comes from the same source and to look upon another religion while believing the one you keep faith in is the best of all is similar to looking around the world with a pair of coloured glasses.

I don't know if anyone agrees but... that's just how it is to me I guess and it will help me put aside certain differences I have with others.

justin

2008-05-07T01:06:00.002+08:00

"If you want to be happy, be."

- Henry David Thoreau

Her exams are over, at least for this semester. I am so glad for her, although she doesn't have a very strong positive feeling about how she did, I believe she gave her best and whatever the result may be it will be something to gather positives from and move on knowing you learnt to be better in various aspects.

She apologised last night for moments during her study period having lost her patience or temper with me. I just want her to know regardless what we have to go through, I will stand by you and support you all the way.

I woke up at 9 in the morning and slumbered along nonchalantly in the early morning, it was only about when it was 2 that my day really began.

Hugs the moment we met, a little laughter and cheer with smiles for toppings make the perfect and sweetest desert.

Spent some time at home cuddling before we changed into our swim wear and got out of the house to simsville for our swim. We both laughed about feeling fitter and our muscles firmer right after the swim... it had been such a long time since we exercised together and found the time to relax in the pool together.

Headed directly to Tampines Mall for dinner at Ajisen which is one of her favourite haunts. She never needs a moments to consider what to have because she never fails to choose her Tom Yam Ramen... I tried the Pork Curry Ramen though.. yummy :)

Right after dinner we caught Nim's Island at the cinemas, I personally think it is a wonderful adventure movie. The way it came across felt like a breath of fresh air, it was as if I experienced the entire adventure because the way the movie came across felt really engaging. We headed home thereafter for some personal time together again and then it was time for her to head home.

The one thought I have tonight is... "I want to pamper my girlfriend now that her exams are over and I don't want to feel stingy anymore!"

I love this kind of short and simple days peppered with moments of sweetness and relaxation...

justin

2008-05-03T15:10:00.004+08:00

There have been times and certain periods of my life I have hated growing up, detested it and wished time would freeze at a moment. I will be twenty-one this year, it is the year 2008 and a far cry from the year 1987 when Singapore was still developing herself into a nation capable of financial stability, racial harmony and political peace.

The expectations and comparisons that'd fall upon oneself especially when there were family gatherings and such where you'd be entitled to remarks that could make or break your teenage years. I never enjoyed the pressure.

However, regrets do not come alone and there are plenty of things I would change if I had the chance although that is never going to be possible where time is concerned. The grey hairs on my dad have definitely increased than what it was a couple years back.

When it comes to my life and the direction I wish to proceed in... there is only one way. Psychologist/Counsellor or bust.

There have been certain unhappiness within my family, I believe we as the children of our parents have not done our part or perhaps it just isn't enough yet. I will grow up because I have a choice to prove to my dad that life is worth living and not meaningless. Their efforts in raising us up and providing us with such a sheltered life will not be for nothing.

Maybe someday, I will open my heart to the Lord again, he has come beckoning on certain ocassions... times like these. Maybe, maybe one day.

justin

2008-05-02T02:17:00.001+08:00

Thanks for your encouragement and love. I love you =)

3 more days...smell of freedom...

`xiAo_wei

2008-04-29T01:16:00.001+08:00

Exams start tml. Wish myself luck.

Make good use of your time. Don't allow yourself to feel the way you did then...good night.

xiao wei

2008-04-24T09:37:00.004+08:00

& what can I do to make you happy?

Actually, it is about the things I should have done rather than the things I could do.

justin

2008-04-18T22:31:00.002+08:00

"i won't sms you anymore"
"i won't see you this weekend"
"Keep your love to yourself"
"i will get out of your life"

Words i said to him.
Words that probably hurt him.
Words that probably were like a knife, stabbing right into his heart.

I just never learn nor improve.
Simply a terrible girlfriend, who shouldn't have existed in his life.

`xiAo_wEi

2008-04-16T22:33:00.002+08:00

16th April

Pastamania. Home. M&M chocolates. Shower. Hugs. Kisses. Caress. Love. Slept. Ate.

Perfect day, with the perfect guy by my side.

`xiAo_wEi

2008-04-14T14:02:00.002+08:00

Been spending quite a lot of time with dear. Mainly because of his Sungei Buloh "Mas Selamat Bin Kastari Hunt". Lol. Poor thing, feeding the mosquitoes there. Because of this, i get to see him kinda often. Good for me, but bad for darling =x

Went to Kallang Leisure Park yesterday. Nothing much, just a new shopping mall, and some shops are not open yet. May go there again if i wanna go ice skating. Heh.

15 days left before my exams. Havent start preparing, and i've got one more proj due nx mon. Gotta really chiong for my exams, hopefully won't be too bad, especially for that dumb chinese history. REGRET. only word i have for choosing this module. Content boring, teacher boring. Nothing interesting. Alright, shall stop whinning and get back to work.

Miss u lots my love. Stay happy =)

`xiAo_wei

2008-04-13T01:42:00.002+08:00

Baby,

I just wanna say I love you, always will...

`xiAo_wEi

2008-04-05T19:32:00.002+08:00

Forced to be understanding.
Forced to be independent.
Forced to stop smsing you.

I need attention. No doubts about that. But the fact that you have ur duty, means you have no time for me.

Haven't heard from you since this morning. Can't blame you. Just a little upset i guess. But i won't be your burden. Shall just concentrate on my project.

Missing you...

`xiAo wEi

2008-04-03T06:14:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna be MIA for awhile, probably between 4th April till 24th April.

Will miss my friends, and i'll definitely be missing you all the time xiaowei.

I love you.

justin

2008-03-29T22:37:00.002+08:00

I just want piggy to get well soon, just like a certain other part of us.

I have said words in anger and they can't be taken back.

Love, Faith and Hope. I need them all back in my heart. I need my inner peace.

justin

2008-03-29T18:49:00.003+08:00

Mites are microscopic, spider-like organisms that live within the outer layers of the skin. They usually cause intense scratching and significant hair loss. Some guinea pigs are so miserable because of the infestation that their constant scratching produces serious wounds.

Discovered bald patches on Piggy. Brought him straight to the grooming shop to get his hair cut and basic grooming. Asked the person what's happening to Piggy, he said most probably due to presence of mites. He told me that mites are diffcult to remove, only solution is to bring him to the vet. Feeling really down and upset upon hearing that. It was my fault. I have been an irresponsible owner, neglecting Piggy. Only discovering the problem now. I hate myself, for not taking good care of Piggy. Sigh. Just want him to recover soon and be the active and healthy guinea pig once again.

[A pet from you to me. You may not know how important Piggy is to me...]

____________________________________________________________________

Maroon 5
"Won't Go Home Without You"

I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say
Oh
The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe it

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you,

The taste of your breath, I'll never get over
The noises that you made kept me awake
Oh

The weight of things that remained unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe it

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you,
oh, oh, oh

Of all the things I felt but never really shown
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go
I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you

Listening to such songs always reminds me that certain things, once said, once done, cannot be undone. Nobody likes to cry and wonder why every moment have to be so hard.

"The weight of things that remained unspoken, Built up so much it crushed us everyday".
I don't want this to happen to us. Don't want our relationship to be like a volcano, waiting to erupt. Are we going to regret what we've done to each other, or are we going to give each other a chance to make things right?

`xiaowei

2008-03-29T07:03:00.002+08:00

29th March, little did I know this would be my last duty already. There's a lot on my mind, plenty of memories flooding back. From the moment I knew my poly education was over when I flunked my repeated module, reaching a crossroad whereby i'd to make a clever choice or my future would be in disarray. Enlistment followed, Basic Military Training and then on to trainee and unit life. It has been a tiny journey that has lasted almost 2 years now. I used to be more positive about National Service but even though it does not reflect as positively as it did in the past there are still plus points about it. I believe that I have grown as a person since my gaming days although I still game ocassionally.

Relationship problems have been plaguing Xiaowei and I. I just know I got really angry last night, just spewed words out with no second thoughts. There is not much I want to say at all about it... just that what upsets me most is that I have caused the cracks in a love that was picture perfect and now, when we are unable to achieve that unspoken and mutual trust it hurts very bad.

All my life, it seems I have been babbling about my problems and my needs that peoples' needs are neglected too. Have I? I guess so.

For an aspiring psychologist or counsellor, to realise now that he cannot find a solution to his problems, it does not matter how many people he wishes to help, he has to help himself before anyone else. sigh.

justin

2008-03-25T12:53:00.003+08:00

Decided to write a lil something before i head to school.

Have a lot of projects to complete within these 2 weeks. Can say that i've taken a more positive attitude towards this. Been hating school since this semester started, blaming the system, blaming the society, yet forgetting to blame myself for slacking. Told dear i just want to get my degree and that's it. But i guess he was right, i should take one step at a time. By next year, i'll know if i have the ability to go on to the 4th year. Perhaps there weren't much obstacles in my studying life that being in Nus, achieving a much less ideal result was kind of discouraging. But, i'm not going to make myself feel negative. Just gonna get through everything, get my degree and work. Will try my best, not to slack anymore. At least now i feel some motivation to complete my work and start preparing for the exams once my projects are done. What i hope for is just some decent results, at least to increase my CAP a little. My goal: 2nd class lower honours.

Enough about studies, shall talk about the past 3 three days which i spent with dear. Met him on friday after my project, went to watch Horton at Suntec Eng Wah. It was a funny show, but meaningful. "A person is a person, no matter how small". After the show, took a cab to Parkway, bought my fitness hula hoop. Heh. Hopefully it works. Had dinner at pastamania before heading to his place for some time alone.

Then on saturday, we went to Escape. Had 2 free admission tickets. BUT, we only managed to get on this Rainbow ride. While queuing for this go-kart, it started to rain. How nice. Went to the shelter, a supposedly no need to spend money day, we actually spent ard $30 plus to play those games at the stall which includes basketball (don't play it unless you have 100% accuracy), then the throwing of rings into these bottles, which my darling spent over $7 for, without getting any prize. Lol. Not his fault, it was the game =p I went to play this "hooking" of rings game, cos i was super jealous of this SMALL KID who got LUCKY and WON the gigantic winnie the pooh. In the end, didn't even manage to get a small toy. Then my dear boy, who was jealous as well, but saw another game which seems to have better chance of winning, went to play it. I don't know how to describe the game, but that was the game we played at first. And we got a supposedly large prize which was a fox for getting in 4 balls. So, baby went to try it again, thinking it was easier. Just 5 balls, and we'll get a large tiger. But, after spending over $15 there, still did not get any. Poor darling, he was so pissed off. Haha. After spending so much, we decided to stop. I played one last game, not exactly game, but a test of luck. I spent 2 dollars to spin a wheel. And tada! 2nd prize! I won a snake, which is now lying at darling's house. Lol. When the rain stopped, we went out of Escape to have our dinner at the food court and head back to his place again. Spent the night with him, just enjoying every moment.

As for Sunday, i went to tuition Ryan at 1pm. So i asked Dear to meet me at Tamp at 230pm. We went to catch the movie Spiderwick, very nice show. After the show, went to Crystal Jade to have our dinner. Then head to his place again. Ok, we enjoy spending time at home, where we can do whatever we want and like. And one more reason, was becauase of his Liverpool match. Lol. I watched it with him, but well....i guess Man U was much more lucky =x

Over the 3 days,
-I saw your beautiful smile
-Seen you sleep
-Seen how unhappy you were when Man U scored, one after another
-Seen how happy you were when eating that delicious noodles at Crystal Jade
-Heard you laugh
-Heard you screaming happily at Escape
-Listened to your lame jokes
-Heard you say "interesting" a couple of times
-Heard your snoring
-Heard you sing in the shower
-Felt your naughty hands
-Felt your warm hugs and lips
-Felt your body warmth
-Seen your body
-Heard you said you love me

Everything about you makes me smile =)
I love you.

`xiAo_wEi

2008-03-15T09:11:00.005+08:00

Hello world :)

Back to the weekend duty this week but last week was a blast!

The chalet with Xiaowei, Jolyn, Rebecca, Wan Ling, Jessica, Yian Sin and Jun Yi, that definitely has to go down as one of my best memories and moments spent in the 20 over years i've been in existence. I don't really want to elaborate much because I feel lazy :p

Just something to share...

I am really pleased with how this photograph turned out though because we don't really have very nice side profiles so they don't always turn out as well as we hope for them to be :)

Oh, I'd gotten a new camera as well from the T2 series of Sony Cybershot. $611 damage but there wasn't really a choice since I'd to keep borrowing from my two sisters and both of them needed their cameras during the period of our chalet. I just couldn't do without the pictures for memories you know?

That's how I spent $611 bucks without a blink of an eye which is unlike me. I'll have to postpone my wishes to get an Ipod or the Samsung P-2 MP3 or a pair of sneakers for casual wear.

Once again, Happy 5th Year Anniversary Xiaowei :)

Also, I hope those who came down enjoyed their time with the friends who were around.

cheers

jUSTIN

P.S A reminder to self, poly result slips need verification and certification next week! Then everything with regards to my application for a place in SIM should be settled.

When you're gone

2008-03-05T11:27:00.003+08:00

Avril Lavigne-When you're gone

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cried
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
Is made up on your side

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were
Yeah, yeah

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I do I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me
Yeah

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

2008-03-01T22:01:00.002+08:00

It's just half of the two full weeks or more i've got to remain in camp for because it is a busy two weeks. Duty wasn't made any better by the escape of the J.I Detainee because it pushed us on high alert with another possible operation on standby for another issue. Thus, we're on high alert for two possible operations and there was a mock activation earlier this afternoon to test our readiness. I rather it be a real activation than sit here and wait like sitting ducks.

I just want to express my support for my girlfriend who has her projects and test coming up next week while not being able to see her for two full weeks at least. I know we have our character differences but I hope we can find ways to complement each other as well while knowing certain clashes we'll have with each other can be worked out amicably.

I miss you very much and thank you, for letting me know you care.

I love you.

justin

2008-02-25T16:06:00.002+08:00

22 Feb 08

Had lecture in the morning, then went to Vivo city with rebec to meet up with darling. We had lunch together at Asian Kitchen, after which Rebec went home and darling and I went to watch the movie "Jumper". It's a very interesting movie and pretty exciting as well. Worth the time and money.

After the movie, we walked to Harbourfront as darling wanted to take some passport size photo at the machine. At first, darling was reluctant to show me the photos cos he felt it was funny...haha...but i felt that it was pretty alright. Then we went to Wang Jiao cos i wanted to drink something. Something happened but everything still went well in the end. [Darling, forgive me for the silence and coldness]

We went to take the train to Central as we were gonna meet Jolyn for dinner. Went to Pasta de waraku and waited for almost an hour or more. The lady who gave us the queue number was very polite and nice so it wasn't that bad waiting. Just that we were very hungry by the time we got a seat. Darling wanted to order some chicken with curry but Jolyn said he can eat that at the hawker for just $4.50. Lol. In the end he ordered pork cutlet spag with egg and he said it was very nice. Jolyn ordered this crabmeat pasta with cream sauce, but there was this seaweed taste in the sauce which was kinda weird. Had to get used to the taste and i could see that Jolyn didn't really like that [jolyn, we'll order something else next time k]. I ordered this lobster pasta with cream sauce. The lobster was really as big as the picture wor. haha. And it tasted really good. We also ordered this scallop and prawn pizza. Really delicious. Yummy yummy =D And the best thing was, darling paid for the bill >.< Thank you dear.

Then after dinner, we went to this Cafe Iguana to get a table. Had to wait for an hour so we went to take this river boat which goes from Clarke Quay to Marina Bay. Before we got on to the boat, there was this guy who said to Justin "nice body, you do weights?". Lol =x Anyway, it was really relaxing and nice to just look at the buildings and learn to appreciate the beauty of Singapore. The whole ride takes around 30 mins. So when we got back to clarke quay, just nice there was a table for us at cafe iguana. Jolyn ordered a jug of margarita which was supposedly to be $53, but when the bill came, it was only $32. I don't actually drink so i felt kinda sleepy after that. after that, darling sent me home by cab. it was really sweet of him =)

Ok, shall end here. Gonna eat and work at the clinic later. Darling, i really miss you. Just looking forward to the chalet...love u lots -hugs-

`xiAo_wEi

14 Feb 08

2008-02-15T22:55:00.017+08:00

Went to Central with Darling on Vday...Had a really sweet and wonderful day...You make me feel happy...

The roses dear gave me...So sweet of him..hee

The bear darling got for me...so nice to hug >.<

Pictures of baby

I told him to look elsewhere...and he very cooperative wor! =x

Pictures of us taken at Central

The beautiful candle at the restaurant...=)

2008-02-07T15:17:00.000+08:00

Samsung YP-P2

新年快乐！万事如意！

haha.

Happy Chinese New Year to everyone, you all get my best wishes for a great year ahead! :)

I'm just thinking up a wishlist for myself, been a long time since I indulged in my ownself so I feel a little deprived :( Most importantly, my source for music! Thus explaining the image of a Samsung P2 MP3 player :S Plus that John Varvatos- Vintage cologne that I'm looking for...the last I read it was available at john little dep stores (there's one at marina square i think). Then there are shoes, shirts and shorts/pants... a whole lot of things but not enough cash, lol.

Well, am currently in camp doing a day's duty for the first day of the new year... hoping to meet up with some friends soon if time permits. Major parts of my time will still be spent with family and xiaowei but if I get to meet my friends that's a definite bonus ^^

To anyone unsure about things between xiaowei and I...

I just want to say things have improved and will continue improving as long as we strive for our future together and not forgetting to cherish our present! Friends and Family included :)

cheers,

Justin

2008-02-02T01:12:00.000+08:00

i just want us to be happy together...
To find happiness from the simple things we do together...

We will look into each other's eyes and smile with bliss...
Won't we?

`xiAo_wEi

2008-01-20T09:03:00.000+08:00

Love is sweet misery

-justin

2008-01-17T17:27:00.000+08:00

Finally came to a conclusion. Maybe not a conclusion, but rather a way to reconsider the relationship. You gave me 2 choices, i chose the latter.

From now onwards, we will be keeping our relationship aside till we're both ready to make a decision.

`xiAo_wEi

2008-01-16T20:58:00.000+08:00

November Rain

-Guns 'n Roses

When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain

Do you need some time...on your own
Do you need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone
I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my
own Sometimes I need some time...all alone
Everybody needs some time...on their own
Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside
And shadows still remain, ohhh yeahhh
I know that you can love me
When there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody
Don't ya think that you need someone
Everybody needs somebody
You're not the only one
You're not the only one

justin

2008-01-15T00:12:00.000+08:00

If you just know, how afraid i am, of losing you.

`xiAo_wEi

2008-01-06T13:15:00.000+08:00

Just a short preview of some pictures we took in langkawi... lol, to be updated.

2008-01-05T23:04:00.000+08:00

曾经拥有的不要《忘记》
属于自己的不要《放弃》
辛苦得来的更要《珍惜》
已经失去的当作《回忆》
走过的路已成《过去》
愿你的未来一切都能《随心所欲》

2007-12-22T22:06:00.001+08:00

Darling asked me just now "why do you like me?"

Seriously, i don't exactly have an answer to the question, simply because there are just too many reasons to why i like you.

Of cos, over the years, it goes beyond the word 'like'.
The very special feeling i get when i'm with you is just indescribable. It is a kind of feeling that i don't get from anyone else.
You've shown me what it means by unconditional love. All that you've given me - love, care, concern, time, effort, patience, and even financial help. You've never asked for anything in return, you really make me feel so loved.

Sometimes you are like a wooden block, not knowing what i really want.
Sometimes you make me feel so upset that i want to cry.
Sometimes you make me feel so angry that i want to scold you.
But, all these, didn't stop me from loving you or liking you.

We are humans, we have flaws. And although no one is perfect, you are perfect in my eyes. You're the perfect guy for me to love and be loved by. The happiness and wonderful memories you've given me these years, they just make me smile and feel so blissful.

I love the way you care for me, the way you love me and the way you get worried about me.
Darling, i can't say i've answered your question, but i just want you to know i love you for you. I love the way you are. Maybe it's just fate, i fell in love with you then and i'm still falling in love with you now. Close to 5 years, i've never regretted being with you and i never will. Thank you for loving me and tolerating my temper.

I love you, just you.

with lots of love,
`xiAo_wEi

2007-12-11T05:33:00.000+08:00

The day whereby I no longer seem like the one to give you all that you want inches nearer every day.

Perhaps, all I should say is, thanks for everything you gave me. I cherished them, no matter whether you believe me or not.

Broken Faith. Separated Hearts. Forlorn Hope.

j

2007-12-09T20:14:00.000+08:00

& over the silence and solitude of the last couple of days, it remains true that without you...

...Life is like a puzzle with missing pieces...

justin

2007-12-08T05:30:00.000+08:00

I hate the stars because I look at the same ones as you do, without you.

j

2007-12-08T00:02:00.000+08:00

原来我们还是在原地踏步。

我以为，感情越久就会越稳定。
我错了。
感情根本无法用时间来衡量。

I purposely told u i'll be going out with Kelvin tml...but it seems to me, that it didn't influence u as much as i thought it would.

And once again, i'm waiting for a sms that will not come. I feel so stupid. It's obvious that i won't get any replies from u, but i still hold on to that hope. I will crush that hope now.

Good night, to me.

`xiAo_wEi

2007-12-03T01:28:00.000+08:00

Everything felt pretty unpredictable tonight, but all's well that ends well.

She came over in the late noon for a little nap at my place before we headed down to the Singapore Conference Hall for a Gu Zheng concert which Jolyn had invited us to. Although it was free seating, we entered late because jolyn was late and so finding seats were a hassle. We almost happily got our seats until this lady mentioned that the row of empty seats (5 of it) beside her were taken by someone else. Low and behold, by the end of the concert they were still empty. If I had a chance to have a go at her i'd simply blow my top, but anyway, I guess courtesy's still the way to go.

Jolyn went to find her teacher with her friends etc so we just bade her farewell and thanks for the invite to the concert, it was a rather good performance but i'm not really an expertise in this line so I just thought it was good, lol.

We headed down to from tanjong pagar to city hall for a late dinner at Asian Kitchen where we had the best "xiao long baos" in a long time already, they were just wow, yummy! After dinner, we were supposed to head home because she was getting tired already but we detoured to the bayfront at the esplanade and just strolled around, taking in some of the sights of the night lights and stars... a couple of heart to heart talks as well. By the time we decided to leave it was almost 11:30pm and she wanted me to head home on my own but I just couldn't bear seeing her go home alone so i accompanied her home before heading home myself.

The positive points over the last 2 days have been several heart to heart talks we've had with each other that possibly allowed us to understand each other's viewpoints more. We both concluded, we are very different people with almost conflicting mindsets, lol. So, that should mean it is some kind of miracle we've been together all this while ^^

I just appreciate and cherish her presence in my life, truly. Thank you, God. Or, in her words... "why thank god, thank me!" (because she's there) ^^ well it came from this joke when a group of friends said grace and thanked god for the food... but the mum who cooked it went "why thank god, I was the one that cooked the food!" >.<

Tomorrow is back to camp and duty week, right after that is going to be the much anticipated langkawi trip... :)

cheers everyone

justin

2007-11-27T23:07:00.001+08:00

I feel like giving up and not study anymore...

Tiredness - the only feeling i have right now.

How i wish you were here with me, accompanying me and hugging me. Sigh.

I miss you...

`xiAo_wEi

2007-11-26T22:10:00.000+08:00

Darling,

I am a little caught in time today. I still have a water parade to attend to in 7 minutes times so I'm making this quick.

Thanks for spending so much time with me, letting me accompany you through your studies and for me to be there to encourage you and support you as much as I can.

To let me love you and be loved in return by you, is your greatest gift to me.

Currently it is still your study period, Ganbatte ne! I do not wish for you to have any extra pressure coming from me, I believe you will give it all you've got so you won't have any regrets as well.

Keep a positive mindset when the time comes and remember, once we're done with this, we'll be looking ahead to a wonderful period of relaxation!

with love,

justin :)

2007-11-24T23:39:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry i've hurt you.
I'm sorry for ignoring you.
I'm sorry for being too demanding.
I'm sorry for pushing you away.
I'm sorry i do not understand you enough.

I still love you...

`xiAo_wEi

2007-11-17T17:30:00.000+08:00

“Your friend is the field where you sow with love and harvest with gratitude. He is your home, he is your table”.

“Even when he is silent, two hearts continue to talk”.

“When you have to leave him, don’t suffer, for you will see the importance of the friendship all the better because of this absence, just as a mountain climber sees the landscape around him better when he is far from the plains”.

“May you be able to share with your friend all that is good”.

“Let him know and share not only your moments of joy but also your moments of sorrow”.

“And know that a friend is not by your side to help you kill the time, but rather to help you enjoy life in all its fullness”.

-Quoted from Kahlil Gibran

2007-11-16T22:07:00.000+08:00

A man asked my friend Jaime Cohen: 'What is the human being's funniest characteristic'

Cohen said: 'Our contradictoriness. We are in such a hurry to grow up, and then we long for our lost childhood. We make ourselves ill earning money, and then spend all our money on getting well again. We think so much about the future that we neglect the present, and thus experience neither the present nor the future. We live as if we were never going to die, and die as if we had never lived.'

"The Funny Things About Human Beings"

-A short story by Paulo Coelho

"Life is a constant risk, and anyone who forgets this will be unprepared for the challenges that fate may have in store. Whenever we come face to face with that inevitable suffering , we are forced to try to make some sense of what is happening, to overcome our fear and set about the process of rebuilding.

The first thing we must do when confronted by suffering and insecurity is to accept them for what they are. We cannot treat these feelings as if they had nothing to do with us, or transform them into a punishment that satisfies our eternal sense of guilt."

-Quoted from Paulo Coelho

I've been reading book by the author Paulo Coelho titled "Like the Flowing River" and I just thought i'd share some of these quotes/short stories which personally hold a deep meaning to myself, especially with the certain events evolving around myself.

Being able to relate to these short stories feels like a refreshing breath of fresh air when everything gray seems to cloud your vision and thoughts, at times it feels as if there is another one else out there who understands what you have been through and sort of mentors you the way to manouvre around certain problems and experiences.

During times I feel directionless and find myself casting doubts on my own ability to be able to carve out my own niche, these are the thoughts that will be there to patiently guide me back to the positive path of thinking. Not forgetting I have people I love around me who show me their care and concern as well, so I know I am not alone.

Because it has lived its life intensely
the parched grass still attracts the gaze of passers-by.
The flowers merely flower,
and they do this as well as they can.
The white lily, blooming unseen in the valley.
Does not need to explain itself to anyone;
It lives merely for beauty.
Men, however, cannot accept that 'merely'.

If tomatoes wanted to be melons,
they would look completely ridiculous.
I am always amazed
that so many people are concerned
with wanting to be what they are not;
what's the point of making yourself look ridiculous?

You don't always have to pretend to be strong,
there's no need to prove all the time that everything is going well,
you shouldn't be concerned about what other people are thinking,
cry if you need to,
it's good to cry out all your tears
(because only then will you be able to smile again).

-Mitsuo Aida (1924-91), poet and calligrapher, whose poems reminds us of the importance of innocence.

2007-11-16T01:41:00.001+08:00

I really did thought i was important.
I really did thought you were so busy that you didn't even have time to sms me at night.

Yet, at the end,
Only to realise this was just my thought...

`xiAo_wEi

2007-11-12T11:23:00.000+08:00

Just a lil sth for you to read before you go back to camp, and before i head to school. Didn't get to spend a lot of time with u last weekend, just hope u're still feeling happy...

Thank u for helping me with my proj, thank you for helping my mum, thank you for coming over late at night just bcos i said i wanted to see you, thank you for helping me with the vegetables and hanging of clothes =)

At times, i can't control my emotions, please forgive me for that, i've never meant to hurt you or make u upset.

Last night at your place, i was too tired and i slept. Didn't know u were unable to sleep, so sorry...i should have stayed up to accompany u instead =( Just want u to know i cherish every single moment when we're together...Now, i just look forward to the Langkawi trip, when we can spend nights and nights together, and have lots and lots of fun with Jolyn.

Darling, do take good care of yourself ya...i'll study hard for my exams and patiently wait for your next book out again...I love you, i really do -hugs-

`xiAo_wEi

2007-10-20T02:35:00.000+08:00

Went to City hall with darling today...took a few photos at an open space of a hotel...not sure where but doesn't matter. What was important was that i had him with me...

My guy with his new spectacles...I still remember how i failed to notice his new specs...But anw, the specs really look good on him =D

I really cherish this relationship...Like u said, it's not just about the time we've been together, we've got memories, lots of them and those special moments, which cannot be replaced.

Thank you for letting me know i'm loved by you.

Thank you for giving me the best of you.

I hope to give you the best i can and make you a happy guy...

Although we've had quite a number of quarrels and conflicts, i have not given up on this relationship. Like you, i hope we can always work things out together.
I asked you if you were willing to stay with me, you said yes.
You asked me the same question, i said yes too.

I believe, no matter what happen, we can get through it together, as a couple.

I love you...

-xiAo_wEi

2007-10-16T11:51:00.000+08:00

It seems as though I have a habit of posting minor bits of stuff everytime before I head back to camp... I should really just take note of how often I do that, it'd be a nice statistic.

16th October already. 1 more month away from having been in GS TAC platoon for 1 year, time sure flies.... I still remember posting about dreading serving my NS in a platoon with a motto "WE BURN WEEKENDS"... it also means that in a rough 7-8 months I will regain my freedom. I wish it would come faster but if time were to pass so quickly, I guess at times we just let things slip by, certain things that are truly worthy of slowing down to appreciate and cherish.

Dad told me about his plans to resign from work either this coming year or early next year, I'm really supportive of what he plans for his future because I know it is time his kids stepped up to work and earn their own keep and for their future. Dad's been having backache recently so I pray he feels much better soon.

Xiaowei and I have been a little rocky lately, it might not seem obvious to people around us but at times we get frustrated with our conversations with each other and it leads to a rather angsty end... neither of us likes this situation. We're still much much in love with each other and instead of taking the easy way out I do hope we sort it out like a couple and future soulmates, I want to stay with her. Others might think girls are aplenty outside, maybe even better looking ones etc etc. Maybe it is just me, I refuse to entertain such a mindset that because there are better looking ones I must look for them. There are a bunch of pretty ladies out in the whole world, but what better than to help the girl I love look better, feel better and be more confident about herself?

I'm very sure we'll both stay faithful to each other, with regards to believing in our love, cherishing each other's presence and what we've both given each other and the people around us.

Every night in my prayers, I wish my family, friends and girlfriend the best they can achieve in life.

salutations

justin

2007-10-09T22:38:00.000+08:00

In the bus, train, lecture room, i had to control my tears, to hold back my tears, to prevent myself from crying in public. Maybe i'm just too weak, and far too weak.

Tonight, just let me fade into the darkness and disappear...

`xiAowei

2007-09-24T16:31:00.000+08:00

When things get dark and gloomy, when nothing goes right, when the whole world just came crashing down on me, i really feel like locking myself up and not let anyone in.

But the moment u appeared right in front of me, the only thought in my mind was to hug you close. I don't like to be far away from you, i don't like the feeling of being unwanted by the guy i love.

i know that sometimes i only have myself to blame. That often it's hard for you to tolerate and tiring for you to have to give in to me all the time. Please forgive me for my mood swing and temper. But at the same time, please don't push me away.

Now, i just hope the week will go well for you. Do take care of yourself k. I'm looking forward to seeing you again. Dou jiang you tiao and swimming session. Hopefully we'll be able to have them this weekend.

I love you...very much still.

xiAo_wEi

on the side of me

2007-09-21T21:35:00.000+08:00

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Yet you choose to be on the side of me
on the side of me

I'm not too proud of some things
I've done in my life
The skeletons in my closet
Are too big for me to hide

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Blessed Charity
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
but you

I'm not the easiest person to love
But you, you've opened your heart to show me what I'm worth

'Cause you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
What a mystery
You're on the side of me
on the side of me

Everyone needs a friend to hold
when it's cold outside
and there's no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go

I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you...

Yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

justin

2007-09-20T06:23:00.000+08:00

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you

I never thought it would be this way, but i take responsibility for my actions and if my decision has led you to make yours, it is all because of me.

justin

2007-09-19T22:33:00.000+08:00

Just a short entry about last saturday and sunday.

I've had a wonderful birthday this year.

I was at his place last saturday and i stayed till after midnight. He gave me a surprise, got me a cake and a necklace from citigems. He was the first person who wished me "happy birthday". i was very touched by the things he has done for me. What he has done was simple, but in my eyes and heart, it was the most romantic thing, at least i feel that way. I love the necklace, it is really beautiful, not only cos it was from citigems. But the design was really nice. The cake also tasted extra sweet...

Then sunday came. He came to Khatib to fetch me and we went to Escape. It was his first time at the Escape theme park, and i felt happy being the first person who went with him. We had a great time at Escape, although some stations were under maintenance, there was a promotion and we got free tickets which allows us to go back within 3 months. We went to the go kart tt was for 2 person. He was the driver and it felt really good having my boyfriend "drive".

Then after tt, we went to the food court at Downtown. Decided to save some money and not spend too much. Had a great dinner at the food court, the food was really nice. We also ate a cheese sausage pancake or sth. Had cheese sticking onto our teeths and we had a great a laugh about tt. After eating dinner, decided to head back to his place to spend some time alone.

I felt really happy and blissful. The feeling when i'm with him just feels so amazing and fantastic. This year's birthday was special and romantic in its simplest way.

(gonna thank justin's mum for getting me an adidas shirt. The shirt is really nice and comfortable =))

____________________________________________________________________

Happy times -always- end very fast.
A few days had passed, and things went totally wrong today.
I tried. I failed.
i tried again. I failed again.
Whatever i say, you had to take it the negative way. Whatever i do, don't seem to change anything. Maybe this is what we call retribution. I get to taste what u've gone through when u're with me. I wonder if i should be grateful i get to experience and understand what u go through, or feel ashamed of myself.

You asked me not to reply you cos you won't reply either.

I'm not needed. Not wanted anymore. I'll leave you alone from now on.

`someone redundant`

2007-09-12T22:55:00.000+08:00

i need you...

2007-09-10T11:50:00.000+08:00

The time to return to camp has come again, however, it is just 9 more months to serve. Just saying that makes it sound like some prison sentence but at times, it does feel exactly that way. I have many friends in my platoon though so it makes things easier in a way. I have been clearing my leave and off as we were forced to clear by the battalion, bah.

There are more positive things though. As usual i've been catching a couple of movies; hairspray and ratatouille with xw and jolyn. Jolyn's birthday has just passed and she's 19th now... happy birthday girl :) I do hope you enjoyed every bit of the bbq we had at my old place and the food was really good, honest. I was busy doing to cooking so I didn't get much time to interact but that was fine by me because my bestie was the girl of the day and as her good friend I defninitely hoped her day would go well.

Ryan came with jolyn to swim with jolyn, xiaowei and myself on her birthday as well and it was nice to finally see ryan whom xw and jolyn have been mentioning and teaching all this while. A very adorable and energetic kid, lots of imagination and the naivety of kids just takes your breath away. You also kind of realise how old you've grown when you just don't think like kids do with their innocence and naivety.

Xiaowei and I went to sentosa last week to catch songs of the sea as well... like finally! And we had a really enjoyable night and I finally have some new pictures which we like to put up :) I haven't got a camera of my own so it is good xiaowei can upload hers via her phone, heh.

God bless everyone! :)

justin

2007-08-31T23:47:00.000+08:00

Taken with my baby at the coffee shop near his house...just feel so happy around him...

Love u dear *muAcks* =)

`xiAo_wEi

2007-08-28T22:42:00.000+08:00

why does my heart feel so vexed all of a sudden?

sigh.

sigh.

sigh.

justin

...

2007-08-26T22:09:00.000+08:00

You leave me doubting what I truly am able to give you.

But that isn't a fault on your part, it is about myself not having enough faith in heart.

Just let me out of this prison and get back home....

justin

2007-08-26T15:04:00.001+08:00

Suddenly, i feel so confused and afraid...

What exactly do we share?

`xiAo_wEi

2007-08-25T08:23:00.000+08:00

& you bleed just to know you are alive

You are the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

justin

2007-08-24T22:24:00.000+08:00

The end of the week is finally here and it is time for a breather and to recollect the thoughts i
i've had over the week.

Immediately after returning to camp, I was going to be on Exercise and this time it was over 37 hours, thus we stayed overnight and had injected faults which were supposed to allow us to troubleshoot more proficiently in the future.

I'm tired, definitely, both physically and emotionally. However, the thought of the happy times spent with her the week before are an encouragement and a sense of joy that lifts my spirits no matter what unlucky or negative incidents that I meet with. She is after all, the apple of my eye, the source of my light.

Myself, xiaowei and jolyn are planning a sort of vacation during the year end holidays too, hopefully we plan it well and I get to take leave during that period.

There are many more things I'd like to say about that but probably prefer to keep it personal now.

I just miss her lots. She'd just ended japanese class earlier and sounded tired and lethargic on the phone, my short chat with her probably didn't leave her feeling the happiest she could and might even start off a few days of negativity. I don't know when she'll see this but I definitely hope she'd read this and know how treasured and cherished by her I feel, how loved and cared for especially while I was on Exercise.

Dear xiaowei,

I cannot put in words how important you have grown and been to be to me over the past few years. Like all couples do, they have good times and bad times. Sometimes, we treat each other coldly, there are times we share such passionate warmth together. With some friends we find a lot of fun and things to chat about too, there is fun and happiness whenever I'm with not, not something I can find particularly with any other girl all the time. I wish to stay with you and I hope with time, I will grow to be a better man for you, career wise and as a person.

All the times we've been through; when you had the bad tummyache ages ago and I wanted to make you feel better but ended up flustered because my care seemed to make matters worse... or just recently when I blanked out for a few moments and caused you much worry. I truly believe we're destined to be together, I hope with me, you'll find in me a confidante to share your burdens, pressures and responsibilites as well as happy, special and spectacular moments.

You are the girl I love, truly :)

with so much love,
justin

2007-08-24T00:43:00.000+08:00

i miss you like crazy...
Book out soon k...=(

-counting monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, and ah yes, finally gonna be friday...5 more days to go...-

`xiAo_wEi

2007-08-18T03:34:00.000+08:00

I wonder if it is just me, but things seem to have got a little better and there's a little more luck now with the things I do.

At this moment, my relationship with xiaowei is getting better while my friendship with jolyn is further enhanced with a progressing friendship between xiaowei and jolyn.

Reading what xiaowei wrote, left a special and very significant feeling inside of me. I have never been the sweetest boyfriend but the best i can give her, i will.

Family wise, i just hope everyone gets along fine with their days and nights. May the angels bless us with good health and a wonderful week ahead.

Earlier on, Keshia and I had a rather good conversation with each other... just some catching up and a little on our thoughts about the future and the past. Weird it might seem, I have known her for 7 years already and thinking now, it is a long time. We haven't talked so long and it just felt weird at first to be talking like we've always done it, but it was a conversation I truly appreciated and treasured. Good memories, good friends.

Seems like things are going far too well... although i'm wary it is too well to be true, but I shall not dampen my spirits with negativity tonight.

Good night all and God Bless!

with love,
justin

2007-08-17T23:47:00.001+08:00

Tuesday 14/8:
Met up with Jolyn. Then you came. Ignored you till i realised i needed a hug so badly. You sent me home, left me smiling, but at the same time, guilty for being such an unreasonable girlfriend.

Wednesday 15/8:
Went to your house. Shared hugs and kisses. Fell asleep on your bed. The moment i opened my eyes, there you were, lying beside me and holding me close to you. I feel so loved.
We went to catch the movie 881 together with Jolyn. Had Fish and Co. Felt really happy.

Thurday 17/8:
Went to harbourfront to meet you after school. Planned to go Sentosa, but as usual, changed plans and went to watch Rush Hour 3 instead. Went to Daiso, had so much fun and laughter.
There's just this very special feeling whenever i'm with you. Do you know, i still feel shy when you tell me you love me? Every moment just felt so amazing.

Friday 18/8:
Went to Eunos to meet you after school. Had Fish soup ee mian, and you gave me the fried fish, knowing i don't like the white one. You are such a wonderful guy.
Head back to your place, played bomberman, hugged, kissed, had Macdonalds burgers for dinner. I just can't get enough of you, even after 4 yrs and 5 months. This is how attractive you are to me. You just mean so much to me.

I love you...

`xiAo_wEi

2007-08-13T22:26:00.000+08:00

Feel so fucked up.

-the end-

`xiAo_wEi

2007-08-13T21:30:00.000+08:00

Every duty, every stay in camp, every time I spend more than 10 days away from my rightful home, it feels like a challenge.

Personally, I miss home, I miss some old times.

Relationship wise, it definitely adds a lot more opportunities for misunderstandings to come between us both. But it also allows us chances to forge a closer bond, it really depends on how we perceive and handle our feelings :)

Today is the end of Monday and Tuesday is approaching, almost time for me to head back out on my regular trips back to the outside world, outside this confined environment in Stagmont.

Hopefully, the week ahead spells some thing positive and bright! I hope you share my same thoughts...;)

with love to all,
justin

2007-08-12T00:39:00.000+08:00

Sorry...
Once again, i've done things and said things i shouldn't...sigh...

`xiAo_wEi